Bereavement

Bereavement can bring a complex mix of emotions. It can be difficult to know how to support your child through their grieving process. There are things you can do to help your child as they come to terms with the loss.

Explain what has happened in an age-appropriate way

To avoid confusion, use clear language to talk about what has happened and what it means. Answer any questions your child asks as honestly as you can.

Don’t avoid talking about the person who has died. Speaking about them and sharing memories can be very helpful.

Listen to your child

Provide a listening ear and emotional support for your child. Whilst this won’t make their pain go away, it plays an important role in the grieving process. When your child is opening up about their emotions, validate their feelings and what they’re experiencing.

Following a loss, it’s common for a child to have feelings of guilt. Reassure your child that they’re not to blame for what has happened. Let them know that you love and care for them, and that you’re there for them.

Create a supportive network around your child

At first your child may find it difficult to talk to you directly about how they’re feeling. They may feel more comfortable talking to another adult. A supportive network ensures that your child has access to a trusted adult.

Your child may not want to talk at all at the beginning, and this is OK. Having a support network in place ensures they know they have someone to talk to when they’re ready.

Show your own emotions

If you’re also going through the grieving process, it’s OK to show your own emotions. This sets the example that it is OK to be sad, and that this is a natural response when grieving.

The five stages of grief

When we are grieving, we go through the five stages of grief.  This is a normal reaction to loss.

Your child may experience the stages in a different order. Their grief process may look different to someone else’s. The five stages are:

1.    Denial – This stage may be characterised by feeling numb or living as if nothing has changed. During this stage, your child may acknowledge the passing of a loved one. They may not have realised the effect the loss will have on their life.

2.    Anger – Anger is a natural reaction to bereavement, as death can seem unjust and unfair. Your child may get angry at themselves, or at the person who has died or at close family and relatives.

3.    Bargaining – The death of someone close is a process that is out of your child’s control. In order to regain a sense of control, they may start making deals with themselves, or with God. This may be to help them feel better, or to prevent something similar happening in the future.

4.    Depression – Alongside grief, your child may feel sad and lonely. At this stage they may experience a sense of emptiness and loss that comes in waves, over a long time.

5.    Acceptance – At this stage, your child may start to process and accept what has happened. It may feel like they’re unable to fill the void left by the loss, but they are able to start moving on and living their life.

In addition to the five stages, your child may experience other emotions while grieving. This is normal.

Understanding grief

In order to help your child get through the grieving process, it’s important for them to acknowledge that they’re going through a difficult time. It’s understandable if they find it difficult to manage their emotions. It may feel like the pain isn’t going away, which can be difficult to accept. With time, the pain may become more manageable.

Help your child express their feelings

It’s helpful for your child to acknowledge how they’re feeling and to make sense of their emotions. There are many things they can do to express themselves. There is no right or wrong answer. They may want to:

●      Talk to others about what they’re going through.

●      Write down how they’re feeling. If they want to, they can show this to others to communicate how they feel.

●      Write a letter to the person they have lost and note down all of the things that they would like to say to them. See an example letter.

●      Use a journal to explore their feelings.

●      Use creativity to channel their emotions. This could be through art, music, or creative writing.

●      Create a memory box. Help them fill it with things that remind them of the good memories they had with that person, such as pictures and mementos.

Books

With younger children, books can be a helpful tool for facilitating conversations around bereavement. Some useful books include:

●      The Invisible String by Patrice Karst. Age 3 - 6.

●      When Dinosaurs die by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Tolon Brown. Age 4 - 8.

●      Ollie the Octopus by Karen Treisman. Age 5 - 10.

Get more support

●      Child Bereavement UK - Child bereavement UK provides bereavement support for families, children and young people up to age 25. Call the helpline on 0800 02 888 40, email helpline@childbereavementuk.org or use the webchat on their site.

●      Winston’s Wish - Supports grieving children and young people with bereavement advice, stories of other young people, podcasts, webchat and online grief support groups. Text WW to 85258 for the 24/7 crisis text message service, or call the helpline on 08088 020 021 Monday to Friday, 9am-5pm. Email ask@winstonswish.org.  

●      Cruse Bereavement Care – Hope Again - Provides information about  understanding and managing grief, and supporting others. Get support via webchat, video call, face-to-face or call the helpline on 0808 808 1677 Monday - Friday 9.30am - 5.00pm. Email hopeagain@cruse.org.uk.

●      Grief Encounter - Grief Encounter works with individuals, families, schools and professionals to offer a way through the anxiety, fear and isolation caused by grief. They provide resources, 1-to-1 counselling. Call the helpline on 0808 802 0111 weekdays 9am-9pm. Email grieftalk@griefencounter.org.uk or use the webchat on their site.